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| The love is shattering all around me, in my own life and in the lives of the people I know. I'm losing my faith. Why should any one want love? Why should anyone want to love me? I'm nothing special. In fact I'm at least a few blocks from special. I feel like I mean nothing now. My relationship feels like it is falling apart. I'm not sure why I feel like this maybe it has to do with this:
My aunt and uncle have hit that final wall. There is an impending divorce which will not be easy for anyone. I don't know where to go. This has completely killed my spirit. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I should just drop off the face off the planet. I don't deserve this anymore. I just want to curl up and die because it's the right thing to do | | |
| ok so i decided to iunno! my moms being like a bitch! ok so geoff's friend from california came home and i was supposed to meet them but they werent in town soon enough and i came home at like 10:30 and my mom wont let me do anything tonight but its ok i'll find a way to hang out with him later or something. after i get off of work tomorrow geoff and i are going to a party were i will be the designated driver and he'll be my companion. those 5 days were so hard being apart from each other. i mean basically it was just a big fight but im so glad we actually took the time to work things out and didnt just let things fall apart. i mean all it took was us talking and looking at each other to realize what we had wasnt over with. that walk in the park was just like amazing and fun. something different thats for sure. hanging with dave and jake and now meeting jess thats was cool! jess is awesome i cant wait to meet his wife she sounds cool! it'll be nice to maybe have someone to talk to when we all hang out. oh so geoff and i decided those 5 days didnt count as a breakup since it was a big fight and crap and last sunday was our 6 month anniversary and im hoping sometime soon we might make it to missoula like we were supposed to do. who knows? caitlan and cj is like not cool at all. i dont even know if they talk i mean c'mon talk to each other!!!!!!!!!! i'm not even sure if they're still dating but i mean if they arent then they arent if they are that's cool. I'm going to have to go with them and do something with them sometime. that would be cool. ASHLEY DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BERGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We make a fishyberger!!! remember that time at camp when we tried to sleep in the same bed and stupid carly made us move? i hated her she was a bitch but kels and hayz ruled! well i'm bored now and im like iunno waiting for people to call me back and shit cause i've been leaving messages and shit on their cells CALL ME A-HOLES!!!!! | | |
| so i thought i had this wonderful guy and that we were ok and we were gonna make it and all that happy shit. I WAS WRONG! and i hate being wrong. i spent last night curled up in my bed crying my eyes out and having trouble breathing and for what? i dont even know im so confused about the entirity of the relationship itself now. I mean was i even anything to him? Anything at all? As much as reid, my mom, and caitlan can try and tell me im ok and it'll be ok. no it wont im broken cant you see the pieces? I couldnt even take a shower today without breaking down the pictures in my room were like salt in wounds. i am in the process of find a therapist cause i cant deal. i didnt want to wake up today i want to die. I've spent 6 months of my life almost with one person for what him to now tell me he's wanted to break up for a couple of months now and has just delayed doing it. Does that mean everything from the last couple of months was even worth anything. everytime he told me he loved me did he mean it, every anniversary when the card said and many more to come did he mean it. i'll never know cause this is killing me. i feel like now it's all been a lie and i got played yet again. i only wanted what was best for him and apparently i'm just controlling and im changing him from what he used to be. i only wanted him to be his best and now look where that has gotten me. broken and crying. he tells me moving to montana was like the worst thing to happen to him and then he met me well now that im out of the picture it looks like he can go back to philadelphia and "find himself" cause apparently i bring him nothing. 6 months! i've know nothing else but him and now i have to start all over again. why should i have to start from the beginning what cant i just find ONE guy who wont screw me over in the end? i also love how all the stress in my life was coming from everything but him in his mind. you lost your job and i was trying to help you find one and all that was happening was i was getting flack for trying to help. i wanted to help, i'm a helper and thats what i thought i was doing. i was a part of that relationship and i thought i was a part of the process. i was stressing about you asshole and all you can do is tell me i've changed you from who you used to be. you changed on your own without my help. i didnt force you to do anything. you say you want to be carefree and all that shit. newsflash you're 18 and have no idea what you want to do or who you want to be, you dont have a lot of responsibility, and you're not exactly all that friendly. You need to grow up. it's not my fault someone enstilled in me responsibilty, and the value of not burning my bridges, and i know where im going and who i want to be and i thought by helping you you'd be there with me, but i guess i was wrong. all my mom can sit here and tell me it's gonna be ok and you'll get through this what if i dont? i dont want to be on any pills but i know it might come down to that. all i have left right now is school and my future. i used to have a boyfriend to care about. im not sure completely why he needs to not be in montana to "find himself" you arent just going to be able to go back to where you where and just be able to pick up where you left off. i can sit here and type alli want but all it's going to make me is more sad and it's going to lead to more crying. what was the most asshole-like he did though was when he just was like i'll talk to you later bye and hung up as i was curled up on my bed crying my eyes out going i have to start all over again. i lost my virginity to him i gave him a thing no one else can ever have. i let myself love him.and for him to tear out my heart break it and then stomp on it i loved you and this is how you repay me? sure we didnt always have it easy but it was still a good relationship in my mind. i mean we're different from one another thats what made us unique. and even though everytime i told him something that i didnt like or that i wanted him to do most of the time he didnt do it and that didnt bother me because that was his way and i knew that but to tell me im the reason you're unhappy and im the reason you cut your hair. why dont you kill me? cause right now that heart in my chest? feels like its going to stop beating. and im sorry for all of you who will be here for me through this but you guys are great people dont forget that. it'll take me a while to overcome this but hopefully something good will come from all the sadness i'm feeling at the moment. please bear with me through this and if you ever need anything i'll be there for you call me anytime. i dont know how im going to find closure or for anything to make me feel better cause right now i just start crying and i cant stop its hurting me so much. i loved him so much and for it to be gone and over with is? is just literally heartbreaking. but will anyone understand that? | | |
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First...
First self purchased album:i have no clue and dont want to know it was probably a sucky one
First piercing/tattoo: ears for a total of 5
First credit card: someday
First true love: like reid said is there a difference between your first love and your true love?
First enemy: iunno theres alot of them to remember
Last...
Last car ride: pizze delivery with my mom
Last kiss: wednesdat after school
Last good cry: when my dad had surgery and the next one will be when he has some more next week
Last cigarette: havent had one
Last library book checked out:my grammar book from english
Last movie seen: harold and kumar go to whitecastle (last one with geoff it's "special"
Last food consumed: nacho thingies
Last crush: geoff before we were dating
Last phone call: ummm is a text message like a phone call? so umm blaine on the text and geoff on the actual call
Last time showered: today earlier and i will again later
Last shoes worn: etnies with my superman shoelaces
Last item bought: pillows for my grandma for her birthday
Last time wanting to die: when geoff was mad at me the last time
Last disappointment: im always disappointed in my parents its never ending!
Last time you swore: fuck! just now man just now
Last shirt worn: lady griz bball short and a tank like right now
Last website visited: msn besides this one i was learning the news!
Last thing you said: news bitch!
Last song you sang: something by new found glory about how someones friend is over you or something like that
What is in your cd player? ryan cabrera in my walkman and ashlee simpson at home
What color socks are you wearing?:my like neon blue nike socks
what color underware are you wearing?: blue ones
What's under your bed?: the floor dumbass
What time did you wake up?: 5:45 AM
Future...
Where do you want to go?: everywhere not infested with something gross
What is your career going to be?: what dont i want to be?
Where are you going to live?: iunno i'll decide that when i get there
How many kids do you want?: none if possible
What kind of car(s): audi, jetta, and a chevy truck
Current...
Current mood: lonely
Current music: old rock on the radio
Current hair: brown like normal and in a ponytail
Current clothes: pajama bottoms, sweats (rolled like i do), etnies, neon blue socks, tank top (no bra), and lady griz shirt
Current annoyance(s): geoff's at work
Current longing: SEX
Current desktop picture: my mom and the island on the dell comp's
Current book(s): to kill a mockingbird by harper lee
Current time: = 6:12 PM
[get to know you]
* Name: Courtney Fisher
* Height: 5'5"(at most)
* Sign: pisces
* Hair Color: brown
* Eye Color: blue
* Heritage: iunno
* Birthplace: kalispell, mt
* Parents Together?: yes
[schooling]
* Middle School: evergreen junior high and kalispell junior high
* High School: kalispell junior high (dont ask how this works for both its fucked) and flathead high school
* College: none currently but its close
* Favorite Elementary School Memory: choking that really annoying kid and getting in trouble for it im so violent
* Favorite High School Memory: there's so many we've mad so far like today i got molested by like EVERYONE
[hygiene}
* Shower How Often?: twice a day now
* Morning or Night Showers?: both
* Brush Teeth How Often?: at least 1 time a day
* Shampoo Brand: neutrogena and thermasilk
* Soap/Body Wash Brand: bath and body work moonlight path and something that smells like hawaiian ginger and oh yeah the dial
* Face Wash Brand: stridex and neutrogena
* Toothbrush Color: clear and blue
[love, hate, rejection, and all the fun stuff.]
* Have you ever mistaken love for lust? yes
* Are you in love? yes
* With Who? geoff
* If yes, are you sure it's love? positive
* Have you ever been used? yes *cough*courtney*cough* (reid i will kill you for that comment) and i have been you used too!
* What happened and why? (just messing with her) i had like this birg crush on one of my friends and it led to him breaking up with his gf and getting a newer suicidal bitchier one and it hurt alot
* Have you ever used someone? yes (im sorry if you out there... ok maybe im not!)
* Biggest disappointment (relationship/girl/guy-wise): learning the truth
* Why? the truth hurts guys!
[play favorites]
@ TV Show: the wb and like stuff like that
@ Movie: finding nemo, saving silverman, and like so much more
@ SoloArtist: right now howie day
@ Band/Group: so many so many
@ Soundtrack: iunno
@ Song: iunno
@ Color: silver and blue
@ Slang Word: beach
@ City: veags and new yourk city
@ Season: summer
@ Sport to Watch: basketball
@ Sport to play: basketball
@ animal: fuckmonster (oh totally reid i love that too!)
[random questions because i'm done with catagorizing]
@ What are you doing?:taking this fucking quiz (yes reid hello captain obvious)
@ Who do you want to spend your life with? hmm they know and i know thats you need to know
@ One Bad Habit: which habit there's so many
@ One Bad Personality Trait: so many
@ One Good Personality Trait: i fuckin rule .. i swear (yay reid me too!)
@ What do people not get about you?: im like i dont know pick one
@ What do you need right now?: SEX
hat do you have right now?: what as in an STD? yes reid cause as a virgin you have an STD! | | | |
| ahh im so confused and right now things are like being bad and i wish they would die and be right again | | |
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